Dear Sir:

I am normally more than happy to take requests, if I know the tune. The cute little three-year-old the other day had to settle for "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" rather than "Baby Beluga", but she seemed happy enough.

I am also generally well-pleased if the requests involve a tip, although that is by no means a requirement.

However, there are certain request protocols I prefer to see followed:

1) I don't care how well you speak English in general, but if you cannot phrase and/or pronounce your request so that I can understand it, mumbling in your native language won't help. Even if you were to speak coherently in your native language, I might have half a chance of deciphering it.

2) If you want to try to sing your request to me, please try to be capable of achieving more than two distinct pitches (unless you're requesting something by Philip Glass). Also, I can hear your droning fine from a greater distance than two inches from my ear.

3) I have grave doubts surrounding the contents of your Sprite bottle, unless Coca-Cola has come out with a Sprite Smashed variety. You make me nervous when you're swaying periously close to the fiddle.

4) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BACK UP AND DO NOT TOUCH ME. I really cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Especially when I'm backed against a wall. It left me alarmed and confused as to what you were actually requesting. I will grant that you didn't so much touch me as kind of tip over into me, but the Fiddler has a bubble, and you were waaaay inside it.

5) Put the tip in the case, not in my hand.

6) I admire your persistence in coming back again, and I would probably have refunded your two dollars (one for each attempt), but I was so creeped out by the end of our exchange that I feel no guilt in having kept it.

In conclusion, I'm sorry I couldn't play your request, but don't ever do that again.

Sincerely,

The Accidental Fiddler